Wednesday, May 4, 2011

So it's come down to this...

Another attempt at the dreaded "D" word. This time, it's double D. Say it with me now: Dukan Diet. This is some serious business, people. Have you heard anything about it? The world is reporting that the lady Middletons (mom included) have Doc Dukan to thank for those little middles that were enviously ogled by 2 billion pairs of peepers around the world last week. True story, at least that's what the tweeps say.

Now, while the audience reach of my upcoming nuptials will be slightly fewer than those of the newly appointed Duchess of Cambridge, I will be nonetheless as fanatical about their opinions of everything I select - hair, dress, venue, husband... you understand, oui?

The double D suggests I have a "true" weight that is approximately 17lbs lighter than where I currently sit, albeit on my rather comfy, squishy ass. I truly wonder if I have it in me to do it. I hate diets. I get righteously angry and irritated, miserably deprived. Then I start reading Dove soap-inspired "I am Woman, I love my fat body, it's who you are inside that counts" baloney and fall right back off the hunger wagon into a pile of hamburger-chocolatebar-bottleofwine self indulgence and alas, the cycle begins once more. It's the battle between the "My pants don't fit agony and My pants fit ecstasy."

I, for one, often prefer ecstasy over agony but why is it that you can't have one without the other? In order to experience the happiness I so desire (which is avoiding back crack at all expenses - you know, when girls are squeezed into a dress so tight their back looks like a bum?), one must endure the agony of getting there. How to maintain focus is the question. Do I recite the unbelievably callous but oh-so-apropos Kate Moss quip: "Nothing Tastes as Good As Skinny Feels"? Or do I hide away for the next two months like a hermit just to avoid temptation?

At the very least, I'll have learned a lesson in will power. At very best, my husband-to-be will still want to marry me in spite of the size of my backside and the mood swings coming his way.

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